Enigma Wrapped in a Paradox

Welcome to my world: A typical forum occasionally influenced by the voices of those whose opinions are trusted; a train of thought; a window into my experience; and an endpoint to the random thoughts that travel through my head.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Back in the middle

So it has been a while and I cannot say many things have changed. Life is funny that way. All this time can pass, so many things can happen, but just the same, you are where you are and everything you've been through is what got you there, but honestly it does not really matter.

I forgot why I started writing this blog. At one point I figured I had something to say. I needed a place to vent and put my thoughts out into the world. Then I realized no one was listening. Shoot, I was not listening.

All this, this "life" thing is very strange. It makes no sense to me. Everything is changing. (It always does apparently). Yet, I do not handle change very well. I like doing what I like to do, when I want to do it, and perferably on my own terms. However, more often than not, I must act on the accord of others, which ultimately means, the vast majority of the time I do nothing. Because really, the only thing I can "control" is sitting and doing nothing. Some days I don't even bother to adjust the central air, because in my mind I am thinking "really? what's the point?" Now if that does not make any sense, I do not know what does.

I never claimed to makes sense. Goodness knows my friends would not have labeled me an "enigma wrapped in a paradox" if I was not one. What can you do?

Surely there is a better way for me to be spending my time right now, so I am going in search of it. Should I come across something of consequence that needs to be said, I will do that, but for now, I shall debate whether or not it is worth it.

Friday, February 13, 2009


So this blog thing?... I have no time. Or better yet, I have too many good thoughts that have a better place than in this here blog. So...

Oh, and I have wrist issues. Can't be bothered with this keyboard. Ha ha! Word.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Best Friends

First let me say, I'm not sure if I have a "best" friend, but there are a few who probably qualify. Regardless, there's nothing like seeing one of your best friends after you haven't seen them in a while.

A great, very dear friend of mine has ventured to my state and I actually got to visit with her. (The last time she was in-state she was 4 hours on the other side of the state... needless to say, we didn't visit). Anyway, I'd forgotten how much fun I had with this friend. Not that we did anything all that special, we just ran errands for her sister's wedding. All the same, getting to see her meant a lot. I guess I hadn't seen her in two years, and perhaps only talked to her 3-5 times, if that.

Now it occurs to me (as it probably will from now until eternity), the friends I made in college I've been friends with for 10 years. That is amazing! Granted 4 of those years we were in college, in that same space together, but just the same, where did those 10 years go? We have certainly all changed during that time--a feat in and of itself, remarkable--but who would have guessed these friendships would survive the time and distance.

The time is perhaps understandable, it's really only been 6 years since we parted that place, but the distance is crippling. I just realized today that the last time I saw two of my really good friends was over a year ago! I had been promising since the last time I saw them I would visit again. So much for keeping that promise.

I work hard at maintaining my friendships and so far it seems to be working. Even if my friends never call me back, they know I still remember them.

I suppose this starts the "reflective" phase of my year. The glorious crisp breeze of autumn, bright skies, rainy days, and the warmth that radiates from inside is all it takes to get me to think of those days filled with friends, the laughs, and the stories that were those shared times.

*Sigh* I know we're big into lacrosse, but geez! There's a REASON homecoming is in the fall!!

Ha ha! To my best friend who I actually got to see, I hope to see you again soon! *mwah!*

Friday, September 19, 2008


kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complain

In the spirit of the Kvetching board run every Friday by the local campus newspaper I thought I'd complain, to myself, about something that happened yesterday. So here we go...

To the guy in the "anti-Ramone" at the stoplight. (FYI-Ramone is the name of my car. Black exterior, black interior. The 'anti-Ramone'? Same make and model--White Exterior, tan interior). Right, to the guy in the anti-Ramone last night, don't honk at me, blow a kiss and wave. That's just insincere. If you want to say something roll down the window and get my number.

I know, I know, I'm great and my car is the hottness. Then again... because I looked back, twice, you probably figured you were great and that your car was the hottness. I'll admit, you did look good, but come on! Am I supposed to roll down my window and talk to you at what turned out to be a relatively short light? Am I supposed to go out of my way and not get on the highway to talk to you at the next light? Right. Didn't think so.

So, to the hot guy in the anti-Ramone, next time you see me, instead of blowing meaningless kisses and insincere waves, roll down the window and get my number. Geez! It's almost the weekend, we could have done something...

Friday, September 12, 2008

UNC 44, Rutgers 12

This was no Appalachian State over Michigan... but considering we hadn't won outside the state since I finished college (2002), this was kind of a big deal.

Oh, and to the Rutgers kid caught flipping off the ESPN camera... I'm sure your mom is beaming with pride. The loyal female fan cheering beside you is undoubtedly a much better representative of your school, but no. You, class-less Rutgers fan, shamed your university on national television... and the blogosphere thanks you for it.

Can't say what this means for the rest of the Tar Heels' season, but for now...


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Kick, Push

No, I'm not referring to that truly awesome song by one, Lupe Fiasco. I'm talking about the kick you give people to make progress and the push they give you for making them do something they didn't want to do.

I'm full of bad suggestions but I certainly never thought I'd be the kind of person who routinely thinks about things that have already happened. If I take one more minute thinking "did I do the right thing?" or "was that too much?" or "what the crap, man?! why's it got to be such a big deal?" I might just scream.

I try to respect people's requests, but if they seem like self-reinforcing negative behaviors, I can't be a part of that. Now, I'm not so bad as some of my friends, making everyone they know a "project," but I do refuse to be treated "like everyone else" simply because that's easier. If that takes "providing a lesson" so be it.

I'm not like "everyone else." Shoot, everyone else isn't like everyone else. Chances are we've all gotten to a point where there are common characteristics to our friends. For me, I can safely say all of my friends are considerate, interesting, fun individuals. They, individually, are each of these things in different ways. Beyond that, they are all unique and bring something different to the friendship table.

So, I don't treat my friends the same. Whether we're friends individually or through a group, my association with each of them is as unique as they are. That might be why I am so against the reality that I may be treated in a particular way because of my friend's association with someone else. What?!? Seriously?! To me that falls somewhere close to me being put on punishment for something my sister did that I didn't even know she did. As in, that just doesn't make sense.

Yesterday I felt like I was being unwillingly placed into one of those types of situations. So I kicked and forced the issue out into the open. I wanted to make it a conversation instead of an issue. I kicked my friend out of their comfort zone and I walked out of mine to meet in a neutral place of mutual exchange. What I got in return was an unbiased, if not guarded, truth. Much appreciated for the trust it commanded. However, not everyone is used to the kind of truth I demand from my friends. I am the greatest friend in confidence and once you have it, my friendship is guaranteed. Your actions speak louder than words. So, if they conflict, I seek truth and resolution. That's what I was looking for yesterday. While I believe we achieved a much better level of understanding through that conversation, I got pushed back.

This is to be expected. Even I am guilty of retreating back to my "safe place" after stepping out of my comfort zone, just to check and make sure I'm ok. While I am almost certain I am making a big deal out of nothing, if going through that exercise made it clear that I am me and no one else, that I cannot be held responsible for the actions of others, and that there is a freedom in the concept of "the individual," then I am okay with being pushed back.

The palms of my hands may be burned from the fall, but I got back up. Now I'm looking around to see where my friend went. I hope they didn't turn and walk away...

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

My life is not a tragedy...

but my doesn't it feel that way some of the time.

Certainly I am not in the habit of thinking great things will happen after a holiday weekend. As a matter of fact, my history would seem to suggest that immediately after any long weekend or holiday I should just stay in the house for a week. Consider the following:

1. 1 week after classes broke for winter break I attend a friends wedding. What should have been a light dusting of snow turned out to be "blizzard-like conditions with 4-6 inches of snow." With performance tires all that means was a slide on the ice and a busted rear wheel well.

Consider also...
2. Three graduations in a 3 weeks time span. Lots of travel, lots of fun? Let's try 1 missed flight, 2 speeding tickets, a broken heel, and... oh yeah, a migraine.

So why then was I expecting this seemingly "harmless" Labor Day weekend to be any different? Because it was well on it's way to being halfway decent. Dinner on Friday, visited my sister on Saturday, did some boss shopping, hung out with friends, shopping with my other sister on Sunday, awesome cookout that night... and then there was the other half of Sunday... Phone call to my dad says his cousin who's had two strokes is unconscious and back in the hospital... Well, that's 3000 miles away, what could we do? So, cookout it is. Then Monday, got the water softener installed (sweet), but another cousin has a seizure (sigh...).

Which brings me to today. Getting car fixed (mixed emotions about that one) but a frantic call from my cousin's mother. The ER doc wants him to come to the hospital here, his regular doctor wants him to stay there. What can I do? I got the appointment the ER doctor wanted... and then had to cancel it. *SIGH* When will people learn?! I can do anything you ask me, but please understand that you have to live up to your word ("I need an appointment") just as I have to live up to mine ("I'll make some calls and see what I can do").

I give up. So like I said, my life is not a tragedy. As a matter of fact it is quite good, but some of the time, I just do not know. For every good thing that happens, just for balance I suppose, something not so great is going to happen. And just as I think things are going to work out, I am not surprised when they don't or something even less appealing happens.

Here's hoping this language class goes well, and without a hitch, this week.

Make it a great one!